My Testimony

Cause nobody asked

TW: Suicidal Ideation

On ocassion, when I’m getting to know someone, I’ll ask “So, what’s your story?” Usually, if they’re Christian, they’ll tell me their testimony, i.e. the story of how they came to know Jesus. I’ll listen attentively and ask genuine questions. I am interested in what they say. However, they never ask me what is my story. Offense not taken. But I do want to tell my story. So, cause nobody asked, here’s how I became a Christian.

I was born into a family of simpatizantes (sympathizers); we believed in God, prayed before eating and going to bed, and visited a church once every 5-7 years. I was enrolled in Christian schools since the age of 3, till high school. I was a good girl: never got into trouble, straight A’s, teachers used me as an example of a model student, my family was well respected in the community. Perfect. Well, not quite.

At the same time, I was bullied in school (natural effect from being used as an example by my teachers), barely had any friends (and not in Meet-the-Robinsons-Goob kind of way; I actually had very little friends), and my parents’ marriage was constantly on the verge of colapse.

It all came to a crescendo when I was 14 years old. My parents were in a crisis, again. My older sister left home. I got into relationships (more acurrately, situationships- but we didn’t have the word back then) with boys that weren’t good for me. As a result, I thought of killing myself. I was alone, everyone I loved had let me down or abandoned me, and I thought I was a failure. Hopelessness colored every day of my life. I just wanted the pain to end.

March 18th, 2016. Two weeks after my quinceañera.

On Fridays, we had this mini-church service in school, called chapel. We sanged, prayed, and a teacher would bring a short message. That Friday, my Bible teacher talked about John 14:6-

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

He said that the only way to get to heaven and have eternal life was through having a relationship with Jesus. There’s no secret 3rd option or path. Jesus loves us, died for us on the cross, and wanted to have a loving relationship with us, forever.

Here’s the thing: when you’ve attended Christian schools for 12 years this information isn’t new. I’ve heard this verse and this sermon thousands of times. But that day was different. I felt a weight on my shoulders, and the very real realization that “heck, if I die tonight, I’ll go to hell forever”. No straight A’s or good girl reputation would save me. Survival instincts kicked in. At night, I locked myself en el lavadero de mi casa and told God the truth: I didn’t want to go to hell, but I wasn’t going to surrender my whole life to a perfect stranger (I have trust issues- we can discuss them another day). So, I proposed a deal: I would pursue a relationship with Him for a year (read the Bible, pray everyday, and go to church regularly); if He was as loving and amazing as He claimed to be, I would stay with Him forever. If it didn’t work out, I would go on my merry way. A marriage of convenience. No love, pure survival. You can guess what happened next…

It was the best year of my life. The sky was bluer, the sun was warmer, and music sounded better. I was…joyful. I was baptized (February 27, 2017), got myself a mentor, and went to discipleship classes. Currently, my parents are happily married, I have a beautiful community of friends, and I serve in the youth group and media ministry in my congregation.

However, I would be dishonest if I said everything is perfect. Sometimes I still feel alone. Sometimes I still feel like a failure. Sometimes I still think of killing myself. The difference now is that I know those things aren’t true. The truth is that I’m never alone (Isaiah 41:10), I’m not a failure (1 John 1:9), and my life has purpose (Ephesians 2:10). Hopelessness doesn’t overpower my life anymore. Jesus is my hope. And that’s how I do more than just survive- I have abundant, eternal life with the one I love.